A young Paris Hilton with Nancy Reagan. Photograph: parishilton.comBehold, above, a newly unearthed photo of one of the key American figures of recent decades, granting an audience to Nancy Reagan. On the right, of course, is Nancy, pictured during her time as first lady of the United States. On the left, however, is a little lady who would go on to eclipse even the B-movie actress who ended up in the White House as a symbol of the transformative power of the American Dream, and the infinite possibilities of life in that golden land. She is, of course, Miss Paris Hilton – heiress, celebutante, DUI star, and coiner of mid-noughties hipster catchphrase "that's hot". Now, you might assume the picture to be part of a newly released presidential archive, or perhaps the centrepiece of a major Smithsonian exhibition entitled something like: "Eleanor's Heirs: from Roosevelt to Richie." But it was in fact tweeted this week by Paris herself, who elaborated that the historic meeting took place at New York's Waldorf Astoria Hotel, presumably some time in 1983. The pair's body language will not have escaped your attention – see how Paris's determined forward advance evokes the pioneer spirit, while Nancy's ignored hand is more reminiscent of the pliant helpmeet tradition without which America could never have been built. As for the minutes of this extraordinary meeting, they remain undisclosed. Perhaps a second after the shutter snapped, Paris gave definitive intellectual shape to the still-sketchy series of decisions that would come to be known as the Reagan Doctrine, and urged the invasion of Grenada. Then again, perhaps she simply burbled "talk to you never" at the first lady. But we must salute her generosity in posting the picture now, clearly anxious that Nancy's twilight years should not see the American public forget with what interesting individuals she rubbed shoulders – and indeed shared carpet time – over the years.
Bristol Palin and Mark Ballas perform on Dancing with the Stars. Photograph: Adam Larkey/APFinally, there is troubling news from the set of America's Dancing With the Stars, where Sarah Palin's shy and retiring daughter Bristol is one of the contestants. Mommie dearest was in the studio to watch Bristol take on the quickstep this week, but just prior to her beginning a supportive interview, a wave of booing swept through the audience. "Why is there booing?" wondered show host Brooke Burke. "There's booing in the ballroom . . . I don't know why." I've got an inkling meself, Brooke – but it's encouraging to find people have since suggested the boos were for something else entirely. Still, Sarah does have a preternatural gift for calling black as white. Lost in Showbiz read her enchanting book Going Rogue last weekend, and while it's hard to pick a favourite passage, special mention must be made of the bit where she explains that the New Deal caused the Great Depression. Based on this model of thinking, there's every reason to believe the boos were correlated, not causal, and we must wish Bristol all the best as she continues to embody the lives of ordinary Americans through the medium of lucrative primetime dance.
A young Paris Hilton with Nancy Reagan. Photograph: parishilton.comBehold, above, a newly unearthed photo of one of the key American figures of recent decades, granting an audience to Nancy Reagan. On the right, of course, is Nancy, pictured during her time as first lady of the United States. On the left, however, is a little lady who would go on to eclipse even the B-movie actress who ended up in the White House as a symbol of the transformative power of the American Dream, and the infinite possibilities of life in that golden land. She is, of course, Miss Paris Hilton – heiress, celebutante, DUI star, and coiner of mid-noughties hipster catchphrase "that's hot". Now, you might assume the picture to be part of a newly released presidential archive, or perhaps the centrepiece of a major Smithsonian exhibition entitled something like: "Eleanor's Heirs: from Roosevelt to Richie." But it was in fact tweeted this week by Paris herself, who elaborated that the historic meeting took place at New York's Waldorf Astoria Hotel, presumably some time in 1983. The pair's body language will not have escaped your attention – see how Paris's determined forward advance evokes the pioneer spirit, while Nancy's ignored hand is more reminiscent of the pliant helpmeet tradition without which America could never have been built. As for the minutes of this extraordinary meeting, they remain undisclosed. Perhaps a second after the shutter snapped, Paris gave definitive intellectual shape to the still-sketchy series of decisions that would come to be known as the Reagan Doctrine, and urged the invasion of Grenada. Then again, perhaps she simply burbled "talk to you never" at the first lady. But we must salute her generosity in posting the picture now, clearly anxious that Nancy's twilight years should not see the American public forget with what interesting individuals she rubbed shoulders – and indeed shared carpet time – over the years.
Bristol Palin and Mark Ballas perform on Dancing with the Stars. Photograph: Adam Larkey/APFinally, there is troubling news from the set of America's Dancing With the Stars, where Sarah Palin's shy and retiring daughter Bristol is one of the contestants. Mommie dearest was in the studio to watch Bristol take on the quickstep this week, but just prior to her beginning a supportive interview, a wave of booing swept through the audience. "Why is there booing?" wondered show host Brooke Burke. "There's booing in the ballroom . . . I don't know why." I've got an inkling meself, Brooke – but it's encouraging to find people have since suggested the boos were for something else entirely. Still, Sarah does have a preternatural gift for calling black as white. Lost in Showbiz read her enchanting book Going Rogue last weekend, and while it's hard to pick a favourite passage, special mention must be made of the bit where she explains that the New Deal caused the Great Depression. Based on this model of thinking, there's every reason to believe the boos were correlated, not causal, and we must wish Bristol all the best as she continues to embody the lives of ordinary Americans through the medium of lucrative primetime dance.
Charlotte Church, who decided not to marry Gavin Henson after he appeared on a reality show. Photograph: Simone Joyner/Getty Images EuropeA New Jersey restaurateur, Joe Cerniglia, killed himself in New York this week. His body was found in the Hudson river. Normally, the lonely death of an indebted father of three would make few headlines. But Cerniglia had appeared on Gordon Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares, and been told that unless he sorted his business out it was "about to fucking swim down the Hudson". See that coincidence? Newsworthy. It's not only that though. Another person, Rachel Brown, who had been on another Ramsay show, Hell's Kitchen, also killed herself, also in the US. This death wasn't newsworthy until now, under Oscar Wilde's rule about misfortune and carelessness. What, quite, is being said about Ramsay here, though? That appearing on his show makes people suicidal? The Cerniglia family has nothing but praise for Ramsay, whose advice helped Joe to turn around his restaurant, if not his debt. What possible influence Ramsay had on Brown remains entirely opaque. Maybe it all just feeds the belief that being in the presence of celebrities is "transformative" for better or worse, or that reality shows are weird and creepy. Take Gavin Henson. His former partner, Charlotte Church, says his appearance on the reality show 71 Degrees North changed him, and prompted her decision not to marry him. What was the specific problem, though? Had he become a bit cold?
Charlotte Church, who decided not to marry Gavin Henson after he appeared on a reality show. Photograph: Simone Joyner/Getty Images EuropeA New Jersey restaurateur, Joe Cerniglia, killed himself in New York this week. His body was found in the Hudson river. Normally, the lonely death of an indebted father of three would make few headlines. But Cerniglia had appeared on Gordon Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares, and been told that unless he sorted his business out it was "about to fucking swim down the Hudson". See that coincidence? Newsworthy. It's not only that though. Another person, Rachel Brown, who had been on another Ramsay show, Hell's Kitchen, also killed herself, also in the US. This death wasn't newsworthy until now, under Oscar Wilde's rule about misfortune and carelessness. What, quite, is being said about Ramsay here, though? That appearing on his show makes people suicidal? The Cerniglia family has nothing but praise for Ramsay, whose advice helped Joe to turn around his restaurant, if not his debt. What possible influence Ramsay had on Brown remains entirely opaque. Maybe it all just feeds the belief that being in the presence of celebrities is "transformative" for better or worse, or that reality shows are weird and creepy. Take Gavin Henson. His former partner, Charlotte Church, says his appearance on the reality show 71 Degrees North changed him, and prompted her decision not to marry him. What was the specific problem, though? Had he become a bit cold?
Celebrities routinely complain about popular newspapers. But editors are quick to point out that the bellyaching celebs are happy to do business with them when it serves their purposes. Two examples in the past week are Russell Brand and Coronation Street actor Bill Roache. Brand, in a wonderfully entertaining Newsnight interview with Jeremy Paxman on Friday night, made a lot of sense in talking about the cult of celebrity. At one point he railed against the Daily Mail and Rupert Murdoch for using the incident in which he and Jonathan Ross were damned for their phone messages to Andrew Sachs in October 2008 in order to pursue their campaign against the BBC. Fair enough. But which paper was given serialisation rights to Brand's latest book? The Sun (prop: Rupert Murdoch). Which publisher produced the book? HarperCollins (prop: Rupert Murdoch).* Then there is Roache, better known as that Ken Barlow off the telly. In his latest memoir,** he has devoted a whole chapter to his infamous 1992 libel case against The Sun (which he sued for calling him as boring as Barlow). Having turning down an out-of-court settlement of £50,000, he eventually won, but the costs led him into bankruptcy. So which paper has been carrying extracts from his book? None other than the News of the World, The Sun's stablemate. *Booky Wook 2: This time it's personal (HarperCollins, £20)**50 years on the Street (Mainstream Publishing, £14.99)
Celebrities routinely complain about popular newspapers. But editors are quick to point out that the bellyaching celebs are happy to do business with them when it serves their purposes. Two examples in the past week are Russell Brand and Coronation Street actor Bill Roache. Brand, in a wonderfully entertaining Newsnight interview with Jeremy Paxman on Friday night, made a lot of sense in talking about the cult of celebrity. At one point he railed against the Daily Mail and Rupert Murdoch for using the incident in which he and Jonathan Ross were damned for their phone messages to Andrew Sachs in October 2008 in order to pursue their campaign against the BBC. Fair enough. But which paper was given serialisation rights to Brand's latest book? The Sun (prop: Rupert Murdoch). Which publisher produced the book? HarperCollins (prop: Rupert Murdoch).* Then there is Roache, better known as that Ken Barlow off the telly. In his latest memoir,** he has devoted a whole chapter to his infamous 1992 libel case against The Sun (which he sued for calling him as boring as Barlow). Having turning down an out-of-court settlement of £50,000, he eventually won, but the costs led him into bankruptcy. So which paper has been carrying extracts from his book? None other than the News of the World, The Sun's stablemate. *Booky Wook 2: This time it's personal (HarperCollins, £20)**50 years on the Street (Mainstream Publishing, £14.99)
Hoarders: Tony Curtis and Tutankhamun. Photograph: CompositeTony Curtis was buried on Monday with many of his earthly possessions, according to the Las Vegas Sun. But how does he compare with that other famous tomb hoarder? Tony Curtis His Stetson hat. Seven packets of Splenda. An iPhone. A travelling bag packed full of favourite photos and letters. A model of his 25th-anniversary Trans Am. Driving gloves. Cash. A pair of his grandson Nicholas's baby shoes. Two watches. Stones he had collected. Tutankhamun 139 ebony, ivory, silver and gold walking sticks. Musical instruments. Lamps. Six chariots. Two thrones. Ritual beds and headrests. Gilded statues. Chests. Clothing, including tunics, kilts, gloves, scarves and headdresses. Ebony gaming board. 30 jars of wine.
Hoarders: Tony Curtis and Tutankhamun. Photograph: CompositeTony Curtis was buried on Monday with many of his earthly possessions, according to the Las Vegas Sun. But how does he compare with that other famous tomb hoarder? Tony Curtis His Stetson hat. Seven packets of Splenda. An iPhone. A travelling bag packed full of favourite photos and letters. A model of his 25th-anniversary Trans Am. Driving gloves. Cash. A pair of his grandson Nicholas's baby shoes. Two watches. Stones he had collected. Tutankhamun 139 ebony, ivory, silver and gold walking sticks. Musical instruments. Lamps. Six chariots. Two thrones. Ritual beds and headrests. Gilded statues. Chests. Clothing, including tunics, kilts, gloves, scarves and headdresses. Ebony gaming board. 30 jars of wine.
Gamu Nhengu was eliminated from The X Factor on Sunday night. Photograph: Ken McKayDeath threats, Robert Mugabe, comments from the foreign secretary, calls for a judicial review – ladies and gentleman, it's popular light entertainment show The X Factor! A few decades ago, ITV's early evening slot was occupied by AJP Taylor, who garnered ratings in their millions for delivering straight-to-camera lectures on subjects such as the great war and the Russian Revolution. (TEXT 50741 if you think Lenin invented the Iron Curtain, or 50742 if you think it was essentially constructed against him by the capitalist European powers.) But as you'll be more than aware, Toto, we're not in Kansas any more, and the presiding genius of today's schedules is a man whom any regular readers of this column have come to know as the Karaoke Sauron. He is, of course, Simon Cowell, and he's currently beaming his subliminally hypnotic masterplan into your home twice-weekly. Taylor's programmes were widely regarded by fellow academics as frightfully vulgar, so one can only speculate about what the professors and proletariat of yesteryear would have made of the endless cavalcade of snot and tears that now constitutes primetime entertainment, or indeed of the Facebook group "Cheryl Cole to die a painful death", or the viral BlackBerry message informing the Chezza that "Every1 has a bullet for you". But first, a recap. On Sunday night's edition of The X Factor, nation's sweetheart Cheryl Cole opted against putting the sweetly talented young Zimbabwean Gamu Nhengu through to the live studio rounds of the competition. Instead, she preferred to advance two ladies who had . . . well, I believe the technical term is "lost their shiz" during their auditions, one of whom presumably reminds Cheryl of a particularly damaged version of herself. Alas, Gamu has since suffered what tabloid journalists traditionally refer to as a "double blow", in which two disproportionate setbacks are yoked together to imply some kind of parity, when none exists. A classic "double blow" would be Jordan failing to land some knicker contract in the same week as discovering her child was blind and afflicted by a growth defect. And so with Gamu. Not only has she missed the chance to lose out on a quarter-finals place to 1 Direction's version of You Raise Me Up, but she is likely to be deported back to Zimbabwe, after her mother's visa expired in August and the application to extend it was turned down. It seems that not only did Mrs Ngazana make an administrative error, resulting in the application being judged "out of time", but she has reportedly claimed benefits to which she was not entitled. Well. I need hardly tell you that the Sun, Mail and Daily Star have finally found the sort of benefit-dependent immigrant family they can get behind, and their ability to hold two contradictory positions at once has rarely been more grimly hilarious. Thus it was that Cheryl woke to bleeding heart Mail headlines about Gamu's "visa woes", with wickedly disingenuous reports larding on the accusations that she'd sparked a "race row". So Cheryl's security has been stepped up after imbecilic threats on her safety, while the roads arounds Gamu's Clackmannanshire home were closed after crowds gathered bearing banners protesting her X Factor elimination. Encouragingly, the matter has already reached the offices of state, with foreign secretary William Hague accosted about it at the Tory conference, only to declare: "We mustn't do things differently just because people are in the news." It's not a view shared by Scotland's external affairs minister Fiona Hyslop, who has written to the home secretary and the immigration minister asking them to reconsider on the basis that: "Gamu has demonstrated that she is a hugely talented singer and a great asset to Scotland and the country's music scene." Meanwhile, the family's lawyer seeks a judicial review, while Gamu's MP Gordon Banks has written to the Scottish secretary. "What we've got to hope," Gordon tells Lost in Showbiz, "is that the media doesn't just focus on this one case, but looks at the whole issue of the way out-of-time cases are handled." Good luck with that . . . If only Chezza Cole could be involved in them all. "Yes," sighs Gordon wistfully. "I feel sorry for the others." And yet, even among such stiff competition, arguably the most absurd aspect of the whole business is the suggestion that Cowell has made a misstep in excluding Gamu. To get some perspective on his "howler", let's consider a previous observation of reality TV ubermensch Mike Darnell, president of alternative programming for America's Fox network and a man we might reasonably decribe as post-moral. Mike was once asked if he rued anything about Who's Your Daddy?, in which an adopted woman was invited to guess which of a group of men was her father. His only regret? That the inevitable controversy the show generated was "outside the programme – so it doesn't translate into ratings". It seems reasonable to suspect Cowell holds a similar worldview. So if the Gamu saga results in significant numbers of viewers switching off their sets in disgust, then we can start talking about missteps. But if, come Saturday night, The X Factor's ratings only increase, then I think we may chalk up another victory for Sauron, and salute him once again for creating a system so devilishly shockproof that the house always wins.
Gamu Nhengu was eliminated from The X Factor on Sunday night. Photograph: Ken McKayDeath threats, Robert Mugabe, comments from the foreign secretary, calls for a judicial review – ladies and gentleman, it's popular light entertainment show The X Factor! A few decades ago, ITV's early evening slot was occupied by AJP Taylor, who garnered ratings in their millions for delivering straight-to-camera lectures on subjects such as the great war and the Russian Revolution. (TEXT 50741 if you think Lenin invented the Iron Curtain, or 50742 if you think it was essentially constructed against him by the capitalist European powers.) But as you'll be more than aware, Toto, we're not in Kansas any more, and the presiding genius of today's schedules is a man whom any regular readers of this column have come to know as the Karaoke Sauron. He is, of course, Simon Cowell, and he's currently beaming his subliminally hypnotic masterplan into your home twice-weekly. Taylor's programmes were widely regarded by fellow academics as frightfully vulgar, so one can only speculate about what the professors and proletariat of yesteryear would have made of the endless cavalcade of snot and tears that now constitutes primetime entertainment, or indeed of the Facebook group "Cheryl Cole to die a painful death", or the viral BlackBerry message informing the Chezza that "Every1 has a bullet for you". But first, a recap. On Sunday night's edition of The X Factor, nation's sweetheart Cheryl Cole opted against putting the sweetly talented young Zimbabwean Gamu Nhengu through to the live studio rounds of the competition. Instead, she preferred to advance two ladies who had . . . well, I believe the technical term is "lost their shiz" during their auditions, one of whom presumably reminds Cheryl of a particularly damaged version of herself. Alas, Gamu has since suffered what tabloid journalists traditionally refer to as a "double blow", in which two disproportionate setbacks are yoked together to imply some kind of parity, when none exists. A classic "double blow" would be Jordan failing to land some knicker contract in the same week as discovering her child was blind and afflicted by a growth defect. And so with Gamu. Not only has she missed the chance to lose out on a quarter-finals place to 1 Direction's version of You Raise Me Up, but she is likely to be deported back to Zimbabwe, after her mother's visa expired in August and the application to extend it was turned down. It seems that not only did Mrs Ngazana make an administrative error, resulting in the application being judged "out of time", but she has reportedly claimed benefits to which she was not entitled. Well. I need hardly tell you that the Sun, Mail and Daily Star have finally found the sort of benefit-dependent immigrant family they can get behind, and their ability to hold two contradictory positions at once has rarely been more grimly hilarious. Thus it was that Cheryl woke to bleeding heart Mail headlines about Gamu's "visa woes", with wickedly disingenuous reports larding on the accusations that she'd sparked a "race row". So Cheryl's security has been stepped up after imbecilic threats on her safety, while the roads arounds Gamu's Clackmannanshire home were closed after crowds gathered bearing banners protesting her X Factor elimination. Encouragingly, the matter has already reached the offices of state, with foreign secretary William Hague accosted about it at the Tory conference, only to declare: "We mustn't do things differently just because people are in the news." It's not a view shared by Scotland's external affairs minister Fiona Hyslop, who has written to the home secretary and the immigration minister asking them to reconsider on the basis that: "Gamu has demonstrated that she is a hugely talented singer and a great asset to Scotland and the country's music scene." Meanwhile, the family's lawyer seeks a judicial review, while Gamu's MP Gordon Banks has written to the Scottish secretary. "What we've got to hope," Gordon tells Lost in Showbiz, "is that the media doesn't just focus on this one case, but looks at the whole issue of the way out-of-time cases are handled." Good luck with that . . . If only Chezza Cole could be involved in them all. "Yes," sighs Gordon wistfully. "I feel sorry for the others." And yet, even among such stiff competition, arguably the most absurd aspect of the whole business is the suggestion that Cowell has made a misstep in excluding Gamu. To get some perspective on his "howler", let's consider a previous observation of reality TV ubermensch Mike Darnell, president of alternative programming for America's Fox network and a man we might reasonably decribe as post-moral. Mike was once asked if he rued anything about Who's Your Daddy?, in which an adopted woman was invited to guess which of a group of men was her father. His only regret? That the inevitable controversy the show generated was "outside the programme – so it doesn't translate into ratings". It seems reasonable to suspect Cowell holds a similar worldview. So if the Gamu saga results in significant numbers of viewers switching off their sets in disgust, then we can start talking about missteps. But if, come Saturday night, The X Factor's ratings only increase, then I think we may chalk up another victory for Sauron, and salute him once again for creating a system so devilishly shockproof that the house always wins.
Jeremy Kyle: public intellectual? Photograph: Ken McKay / Rex FeaturesIt was barely a month ago that this column speculated that Jeremy Kyle was attempting to rebrand himself as a public intellectual, so imagine its delight to note him sharing a platform with George Osborne at this week's Tory conference. Jeremy was chairing a fringe meeting entitled Getting Britain Back To Work, during which he said clever things such as: "Here is a lady who wants to work and says she can't afford to. That ain't right, is it?" Despite such invaluable contributions, a potentially tragic pattern seems to be forming. Last month Jeremy had dinner with Peaches Geldof; this month he's palling round with George Osborne. There are less provocative ways to goad someone into ending it all for you, Kyle, and if next month finds you taking tea with that woman who put the cat in the bin, we pray you'll seek the help you so desperately need.
Jeremy Kyle: public intellectual? Photograph: Ken McKay / Rex FeaturesIt was barely a month ago that this column speculated that Jeremy Kyle was attempting to rebrand himself as a public intellectual, so imagine its delight to note him sharing a platform with George Osborne at this week's Tory conference. Jeremy was chairing a fringe meeting entitled Getting Britain Back To Work, during which he said clever things such as: "Here is a lady who wants to work and says she can't afford to. That ain't right, is it?" Despite such invaluable contributions, a potentially tragic pattern seems to be forming. Last month Jeremy had dinner with Peaches Geldof; this month he's palling round with George Osborne. There are less provocative ways to goad someone into ending it all for you, Kyle, and if next month finds you taking tea with that woman who put the cat in the bin, we pray you'll seek the help you so desperately need.
Know the rules and when to break them. Photographs: Corbis; Gallery Stock; Getty Images. Digital retouching by Philip Partridge for Guardian Imaging As tiny, pretty mega-talent Cher Lloyd stepped on to the X Factor stage last month in shimmer foundation, squashed-spider eyelashes and over-pruned brows, only for Louis Walsh to trill, "You're 16? Wow! You look much older!" my heart sank. Poor Cher, she'd truly Turned Her Swag On, but the world of beauty is befuddling. We're bombarded with wild expert advice every single day, when what we really need is a list of rules average women can live by. Thankfully, I've written some:
Your routine
Wash your face. Clean, mud-and-dried-ketchup-free skin is the cornerstone of being more bonkable. This sounds obvious, but it doesn't stop lab coat-clad fembots leaping out at you in department stores, haranguing you on "your routine". Always say: "I cleanse, tone and moisturise twice daily!" Never say: "I fall into bed spangled drunk twice a week, leaving a perfect Turin Shroud of me on the pillow." For pure amusement, try questioning one of the lab coats intricately on what toner actually does. Like Yakult, Kerry Katona and your appendix, nobody actually knows.
Eyebrows
Carefully plucked eyebrows transform a face. It's also like safe-cracking in its precision. During my "beauty journey", I've had Ming The Merciless peaks of evil, a bald patch like Vanilla Ice and a period drawing the whole lot back on in pencil stripes. The latter gave me a scary claymation Medusa effect, which wasn't entirely what I'd hoped for. Do: let an expert pluck them and then maintain yourself. Don't: tattoo your eyebrows in, unless you own a white tiger and are part of a magic troupe working out of Vegas. And remember, you can always stop plucking altogether and let nature run amok, if you don't mind looking like a monobrowed Cro-Magnon woman lurking in a pit awaiting the invention of Superdrug.
Facial hair
General rule of thumb: ladies, try to be less hirsute if you're in the market for straight men. Never shave facial hair unless you want to look like Brian Blessed. Under-25s, take advantage now of easily manageable facial hair, because post-35 it will take a venomous turn and begin growing spikily from the lip region downwards, complementing your ever-accentuating neck wattle. Enjoy. X Factor contestants about to expose themselves to high definition TV, learn from my mistakes: start bleaching/waxing now before an avalanche of cheery, helpful emails arrives saying, "OMG – You iz well hairy like Snuffleupagus off Sesame Street, innit."
Foundation
A good base foundation should be virtually undetectable, mirroring the precise shade of one's skin, chosen with time, love and care. Or, in reality, chosen on the hoof, in a lunch hour, with one eye on handbag thieves, under harsh strip lighting, on a patch of wrist skin three shades different from your face. Choosing foundation sucks. Women's dressing tables are littered with too-light "Nosferatu" foundations (suitable for use only on the two days leading up to a planned sickie) and tubes of far-too-dark gloop viable only after a holiday circumnavigating the sun. Important: YSL Touche Eclat is a concealer to be used sparingly, not a lifestyle choice to counteract a daily bottle of sancerre.
Lipstick
Full, pouting lips are crucial to any look, so it's important for women to find their perfect lip shade. Do this by wasting money every two weeks on at least one expensive rouge lipstick that, once you have left the shop, turns out to be too berry, too Royal Mail-box red, too silt puddle brown or too zany raspberry for your skin pallor. Eventually, by sheer chance, you will find the lip shade of your dreams; one that complements your skin, makes your eyes "pop", a mere sweep of which makes you feel sensuous and infallible like red-carpet Angelina Jolie. It will run out, whereupon you'll visit the department store beauty androids, who'll tell you it's now discontinued. Thoroughly beaten, you'll return to an old unsuitable dark purple lipstick, secretly aware your friends call you "Beetlejuice".
Neutral lips
At least twice a year you will be informed by beauty sections that "neutral make-up" is "a big story". This will be accompanied by a photo of otherworldly creatures such as Rose Huntington-Whiteley or Giovanna Battaglia wearing lip colours called things like "Nude", "Now't There" and "Jack Shit". You will obediently scamper off to buy a sheer lipstick that makes no impact on your face whatsoever and serves only to remind you that you're a mere mortal who, sans make-up, terrifies the recycling man.
Eye make-up
Women don't use their wedding-day photo as their Facebook/Twitter avatar out of deep respect for the institution of marriage. No, it's because it was the only day a professional did their eye make-up and showed them the extent of the woman they could be, if they only had someone with 15 years' experience, on £200 an hour, following them around each day, titivating their eye sockets with 10 different brushes. Doing your own eye make-up is fiendishly impossible; try one of the "simple smokey-eye" tutorials on YouTube, which will be a woman sat on her bed screaming, "Blend the grey into the black, then take the brown over the socket and blend to the grey!" which you do, making your face look like a child's painting of a blizzard. Other general rules of eye make-up include: Purples, teals and navys worn together will always make you look like Angie Watts off EastEnders circa 1985. Never wear false eyelashes during the day, unless you want to look like a day-shift lapdancer popping out for a pasty. Glitter: ask yourself, "Am I one of the Scissor Sisters?" No. Will the people in the Nuneaton branch enjoy my news of the voluntary redundancy package more, just because my eyes say, "Party!"? Liquid eyeliner curls and flourishes: if you must, but you're supposed to look like Betty Boop, not someone out of the Piecrust Players' version of Wicked. Most important: make the choice. Big eye make-up or strong lipstick. Never the two together, unless you're appearing in La Cage Aux Folles.
Fake tan
If you can't face daily make-up, at least be bronzed! There's no shame in it! Many intelligent, independent women today are in utter denial as to their true skin tone, wasting oodles of their life stood in paper knickers in a portable tent being sprayed Walnut. "You might want to put some old sheets down to sit on for the first 24 hours till it's set!" my woman often says, milking me of cash and leaving me the colour of Lidl chicken tikka. Warning: fake tanning is highly addictive. In fact my own husband had no real idea of my true ethnicity until several years after we married when he pulled back the duvet one morning, between appointments, to find my real-life bottom shade is akin to Farrow & Ball Borrowed Light. "I thought I saw you peeling once, and we'd not been on holiday," he muttered sadly. My ancestors didn't traverse over the Egyptian deserts on camels, they traversed down Botchergate, Carlisle, in a Vauxhall Rascal. I'm not sure what part of Northern Ireland Christine Bleakley's family comes from, but it was clearly the Latin Quarter.
Know the rules and when to break them. Photographs: Corbis; Gallery Stock; Getty Images. Digital retouching by Philip Partridge for Guardian Imaging As tiny, pretty mega-talent Cher Lloyd stepped on to the X Factor stage last month in shimmer foundation, squashed-spider eyelashes and over-pruned brows, only for Louis Walsh to trill, "You're 16? Wow! You look much older!" my heart sank. Poor Cher, she'd truly Turned Her Swag On, but the world of beauty is befuddling. We're bombarded with wild expert advice every single day, when what we really need is a list of rules average women can live by. Thankfully, I've written some:
Your routine
Wash your face. Clean, mud-and-dried-ketchup-free skin is the cornerstone of being more bonkable. This sounds obvious, but it doesn't stop lab coat-clad fembots leaping out at you in department stores, haranguing you on "your routine". Always say: "I cleanse, tone and moisturise twice daily!" Never say: "I fall into bed spangled drunk twice a week, leaving a perfect Turin Shroud of me on the pillow." For pure amusement, try questioning one of the lab coats intricately on what toner actually does. Like Yakult, Kerry Katona and your appendix, nobody actually knows.
Eyebrows
Carefully plucked eyebrows transform a face. It's also like safe-cracking in its precision. During my "beauty journey", I've had Ming The Merciless peaks of evil, a bald patch like Vanilla Ice and a period drawing the whole lot back on in pencil stripes. The latter gave me a scary claymation Medusa effect, which wasn't entirely what I'd hoped for. Do: let an expert pluck them and then maintain yourself. Don't: tattoo your eyebrows in, unless you own a white tiger and are part of a magic troupe working out of Vegas. And remember, you can always stop plucking altogether and let nature run amok, if you don't mind looking like a monobrowed Cro-Magnon woman lurking in a pit awaiting the invention of Superdrug.
Facial hair
General rule of thumb: ladies, try to be less hirsute if you're in the market for straight men. Never shave facial hair unless you want to look like Brian Blessed. Under-25s, take advantage now of easily manageable facial hair, because post-35 it will take a venomous turn and begin growing spikily from the lip region downwards, complementing your ever-accentuating neck wattle. Enjoy. X Factor contestants about to expose themselves to high definition TV, learn from my mistakes: start bleaching/waxing now before an avalanche of cheery, helpful emails arrives saying, "OMG – You iz well hairy like Snuffleupagus off Sesame Street, innit."
Foundation
A good base foundation should be virtually undetectable, mirroring the precise shade of one's skin, chosen with time, love and care. Or, in reality, chosen on the hoof, in a lunch hour, with one eye on handbag thieves, under harsh strip lighting, on a patch of wrist skin three shades different from your face. Choosing foundation sucks. Women's dressing tables are littered with too-light "Nosferatu" foundations (suitable for use only on the two days leading up to a planned sickie) and tubes of far-too-dark gloop viable only after a holiday circumnavigating the sun. Important: YSL Touche Eclat is a concealer to be used sparingly, not a lifestyle choice to counteract a daily bottle of sancerre.
Lipstick
Full, pouting lips are crucial to any look, so it's important for women to find their perfect lip shade. Do this by wasting money every two weeks on at least one expensive rouge lipstick that, once you have left the shop, turns out to be too berry, too Royal Mail-box red, too silt puddle brown or too zany raspberry for your skin pallor. Eventually, by sheer chance, you will find the lip shade of your dreams; one that complements your skin, makes your eyes "pop", a mere sweep of which makes you feel sensuous and infallible like red-carpet Angelina Jolie. It will run out, whereupon you'll visit the department store beauty androids, who'll tell you it's now discontinued. Thoroughly beaten, you'll return to an old unsuitable dark purple lipstick, secretly aware your friends call you "Beetlejuice".
Neutral lips
At least twice a year you will be informed by beauty sections that "neutral make-up" is "a big story". This will be accompanied by a photo of otherworldly creatures such as Rose Huntington-Whiteley or Giovanna Battaglia wearing lip colours called things like "Nude", "Now't There" and "Jack Shit". You will obediently scamper off to buy a sheer lipstick that makes no impact on your face whatsoever and serves only to remind you that you're a mere mortal who, sans make-up, terrifies the recycling man.
Eye make-up
Women don't use their wedding-day photo as their Facebook/Twitter avatar out of deep respect for the institution of marriage. No, it's because it was the only day a professional did their eye make-up and showed them the extent of the woman they could be, if they only had someone with 15 years' experience, on £200 an hour, following them around each day, titivating their eye sockets with 10 different brushes. Doing your own eye make-up is fiendishly impossible; try one of the "simple smokey-eye" tutorials on YouTube, which will be a woman sat on her bed screaming, "Blend the grey into the black, then take the brown over the socket and blend to the grey!" which you do, making your face look like a child's painting of a blizzard. Other general rules of eye make-up include: Purples, teals and navys worn together will always make you look like Angie Watts off EastEnders circa 1985. Never wear false eyelashes during the day, unless you want to look like a day-shift lapdancer popping out for a pasty. Glitter: ask yourself, "Am I one of the Scissor Sisters?" No. Will the people in the Nuneaton branch enjoy my news of the voluntary redundancy package more, just because my eyes say, "Party!"? Liquid eyeliner curls and flourishes: if you must, but you're supposed to look like Betty Boop, not someone out of the Piecrust Players' version of Wicked. Most important: make the choice. Big eye make-up or strong lipstick. Never the two together, unless you're appearing in La Cage Aux Folles.
Fake tan
If you can't face daily make-up, at least be bronzed! There's no shame in it! Many intelligent, independent women today are in utter denial as to their true skin tone, wasting oodles of their life stood in paper knickers in a portable tent being sprayed Walnut. "You might want to put some old sheets down to sit on for the first 24 hours till it's set!" my woman often says, milking me of cash and leaving me the colour of Lidl chicken tikka. Warning: fake tanning is highly addictive. In fact my own husband had no real idea of my true ethnicity until several years after we married when he pulled back the duvet one morning, between appointments, to find my real-life bottom shade is akin to Farrow & Ball Borrowed Light. "I thought I saw you peeling once, and we'd not been on holiday," he muttered sadly. My ancestors didn't traverse over the Egyptian deserts on camels, they traversed down Botchergate, Carlisle, in a Vauxhall Rascal. I'm not sure what part of Northern Ireland Christine Bleakley's family comes from, but it was clearly the Latin Quarter.
Russell Brand can't count Michael Parkinson as one of his fans. Photograph: Steve Mack/FilmMagic Breaking the most welcome of silences this week comes Sir Michael Parkinson CBE, whose attacks on both modern talkshows and Russell Brand are immensely significant. They signify he's got a new book to promote – and according to Michael's own website, "Parky's People is witty, always perceptive, often wise and never less than compelling reading." How we've got through two full sentences without observing that Parky came from humble mining stock I do not know – Sir Michael himself would never dream of covering such a syntactic distance without foregrounding the heritage that equipped him to burrow up the backsides of a thousand celebrities, armed with only a Davy lamp and the hardhitting inquiry: "May I say you're looking beautiful?" As indicated, this week Parky took it upon himself to lament the "foolish ambition" of celebrities who think they can be chatshow hosts, as well as going on Five Live to call Russell Brand pointless, artless, unfunny and creatively dull. "I would say he has been a very lucky man," expanded Parky, so adept these days at keeping the bitterness out of his public pronouncements. "I mean, Rin Tin Tin had a very big career in Hollywood and he was a dog." Well. Lost in Showbiz admits it only saw the trailer for Russell's most recent movie Get Him to the Greek, and spent much of the ensuing main feature staggered at his apparent inability to deliver a line – for an accomplished standup to fall short of even a one-note performance would appear quite a feat. But I doubt Brand could give two hoots. He is apparently entirely untrammeled by self-doubt, affianced to a gorgeous popstar, and milking a period in which misguided folk keep giving him lucrative movie roles. Indeed, were anything to make one reflexively warm to the old chancer, it is surely his having incurred the disapproval of Britain's pre-eminent paradigm of professional Yorkshire-dullard smugness. As for Parky's wholly unwarranted slight on Rin Tin Tin, one can only conclude that having spent so long entombed in those celebrity colons, he lacks the perspective required to appreciate what F Scott Fitzgerald called "the whole equation" of motion pictures. Rin Tin Tin could open a movie, and did so time and again. For years, he was Warner Bros's most bankable star, and it was his pictures that saved the studio from bankruptcy. He was only retired after the advent of talkies, at which point his natural limitations were exposed, but until that time he could take direction and emote as well as, if not better than, most of Hollywood's humanoid silent stars. The German shepherd certainly possessed better timing than Parky, whose chief means of reminding us of his existence over the last few years has been to pop up at other people's moments of extreme distress and make some desperately called-for interjection. It was he who judged the days after Jade Goody's death to be the perfect moment to brand her "ignorant" and "puerile" and just another one of those "poor benighted people making arses of themselves". Of course, it would take a staggeringly benighted person not to see that every financially motivated moment of Jade's last days was informed by her desire to bequeath her sons a better life than the grimly abusive childhood she herself had endured. Yet preferring instead to fart out ovine observations on broken Britain, Parky missed this most tragically interesting aspect of the woman, once again proving Craig Brown's brilliantly sparse observation that "he has a complete lack of curiosity about anyone". Unable to turn that laser-like focus on himself, Parky has always failed to realise that part of the reason people embraced reality-TV contestants was because they had come to find the packaged and managed celebrity machine epitomised by his show utterly dull. A significant portion of viewers grew so fed up of watching the likes of Parky lube up celebrities for another confected anecdote that they actually preferred to watch talentless no-marks argue about blinking, if only for a bit of authenticity. Still, with his website informing us he is "now an international celebrity himself", do consider Sir Parky the last word in self-effacement. To this end, we shall play out with Lost in Showbiz's favourite passage from his autobiography, which finds him recalling his days as a club cricketer for Barnsley. Though Parky's ambition to play for England was "thwarted" – in fact he was laughed out of trials for Yorkshire – one who did make county was his Barnsley teammate Geoff Boycott, of whom Parky scrupulously observes: "He wasn't the most greatly gifted player on our team." Well of course he wasn't. Poor old Boycs, though – he only had his second-string cricket skills to make the best of, whereas you sense the real talent on that Barnsley side could have had his pick of opening for England, becoming an international celebrity, and quite possibly leading the free world, if he hadn't felt so very, very privileged just being little old him on the telly for more than 40 years and for more money than you could dream of. 'Appen there's nowt so radged as pikelets, and so on.
Russell Brand can't count Michael Parkinson as one of his fans. Photograph: Steve Mack/FilmMagic Breaking the most welcome of silences this week comes Sir Michael Parkinson CBE, whose attacks on both modern talkshows and Russell Brand are immensely significant. They signify he's got a new book to promote – and according to Michael's own website, "Parky's People is witty, always perceptive, often wise and never less than compelling reading." How we've got through two full sentences without observing that Parky came from humble mining stock I do not know – Sir Michael himself would never dream of covering such a syntactic distance without foregrounding the heritage that equipped him to burrow up the backsides of a thousand celebrities, armed with only a Davy lamp and the hardhitting inquiry: "May I say you're looking beautiful?" As indicated, this week Parky took it upon himself to lament the "foolish ambition" of celebrities who think they can be chatshow hosts, as well as going on Five Live to call Russell Brand pointless, artless, unfunny and creatively dull. "I would say he has been a very lucky man," expanded Parky, so adept these days at keeping the bitterness out of his public pronouncements. "I mean, Rin Tin Tin had a very big career in Hollywood and he was a dog." Well. Lost in Showbiz admits it only saw the trailer for Russell's most recent movie Get Him to the Greek, and spent much of the ensuing main feature staggered at his apparent inability to deliver a line – for an accomplished standup to fall short of even a one-note performance would appear quite a feat. But I doubt Brand could give two hoots. He is apparently entirely untrammeled by self-doubt, affianced to a gorgeous popstar, and milking a period in which misguided folk keep giving him lucrative movie roles. Indeed, were anything to make one reflexively warm to the old chancer, it is surely his having incurred the disapproval of Britain's pre-eminent paradigm of professional Yorkshire-dullard smugness. As for Parky's wholly unwarranted slight on Rin Tin Tin, one can only conclude that having spent so long entombed in those celebrity colons, he lacks the perspective required to appreciate what F Scott Fitzgerald called "the whole equation" of motion pictures. Rin Tin Tin could open a movie, and did so time and again. For years, he was Warner Bros's most bankable star, and it was his pictures that saved the studio from bankruptcy. He was only retired after the advent of talkies, at which point his natural limitations were exposed, but until that time he could take direction and emote as well as, if not better than, most of Hollywood's humanoid silent stars. The German shepherd certainly possessed better timing than Parky, whose chief means of reminding us of his existence over the last few years has been to pop up at other people's moments of extreme distress and make some desperately called-for interjection. It was he who judged the days after Jade Goody's death to be the perfect moment to brand her "ignorant" and "puerile" and just another one of those "poor benighted people making arses of themselves". Of course, it would take a staggeringly benighted person not to see that every financially motivated moment of Jade's last days was informed by her desire to bequeath her sons a better life than the grimly abusive childhood she herself had endured. Yet preferring instead to fart out ovine observations on broken Britain, Parky missed this most tragically interesting aspect of the woman, once again proving Craig Brown's brilliantly sparse observation that "he has a complete lack of curiosity about anyone". Unable to turn that laser-like focus on himself, Parky has always failed to realise that part of the reason people embraced reality-TV contestants was because they had come to find the packaged and managed celebrity machine epitomised by his show utterly dull. A significant portion of viewers grew so fed up of watching the likes of Parky lube up celebrities for another confected anecdote that they actually preferred to watch talentless no-marks argue about blinking, if only for a bit of authenticity. Still, with his website informing us he is "now an international celebrity himself", do consider Sir Parky the last word in self-effacement. To this end, we shall play out with Lost in Showbiz's favourite passage from his autobiography, which finds him recalling his days as a club cricketer for Barnsley. Though Parky's ambition to play for England was "thwarted" – in fact he was laughed out of trials for Yorkshire – one who did make county was his Barnsley teammate Geoff Boycott, of whom Parky scrupulously observes: "He wasn't the most greatly gifted player on our team." Well of course he wasn't. Poor old Boycs, though – he only had his second-string cricket skills to make the best of, whereas you sense the real talent on that Barnsley side could have had his pick of opening for England, becoming an international celebrity, and quite possibly leading the free world, if he hadn't felt so very, very privileged just being little old him on the telly for more than 40 years and for more money than you could dream of. 'Appen there's nowt so radged as pikelets, and so on.
Joan Collins: 'I'm not into Botox.' Photograph: Erik Pendzich/Rex/Rex Features Time for a proper celebrity, as darling Joan Collins invites Hello! readers into the gracious home she shares with her husband Percy, a mere 32 years her junior. A preposterous urban myth has Joanie coming off stage somewhere and announcing: "I'm desperate for a fag – and I don't mean my husband", but Lost in Showbiz has always regarded the couple as entirely devoted to each other, and so they seem during an adorable interview in which Percy explains that he doesn't want to spend any time away from her, especially when "at any time, this gift of life could be taken away from you". As Joan once joked: "If he dies, he dies." (A line nicked off Anna Nicole Smith's old man, J Howard Marshall, but we forgive her.) But it is the erstwhile Dynasty star's lament for the dearth of modern glamour that has made the headlines this week, with various newspapers taking ludicrous offence at her suggestion that she "can't think of any really beautiful actresses" other than Angelina Jolie, pointing out that Jennifer Aniston is "cute" but could hardly hold her own with the likes of Lana Turner or Ava Gardner. "Wrong," honked the Daily Mirror, who proceeded to suggest that Katherine Heigl was a dead ringer for Ingrid Bergman. Oh, Daily Mirror! No, no, no . . . Really, no. Anyway, all that remains is for Joan, 77, to once more refute those tired rumours of plastic surgery, when as she has repeatedly explained, she does it all with Vaseline and makeup. "I'm not into Botox or 'lifting'," she declares. "Believe me – I've seen such sights, it's put me off totally." What can you say? Other than: Joanie, promise never to be a stranger.
Joan Collins: 'I'm not into Botox.' Photograph: Erik Pendzich/Rex/Rex Features Time for a proper celebrity, as darling Joan Collins invites Hello! readers into the gracious home she shares with her husband Percy, a mere 32 years her junior. A preposterous urban myth has Joanie coming off stage somewhere and announcing: "I'm desperate for a fag – and I don't mean my husband", but Lost in Showbiz has always regarded the couple as entirely devoted to each other, and so they seem during an adorable interview in which Percy explains that he doesn't want to spend any time away from her, especially when "at any time, this gift of life could be taken away from you". As Joan once joked: "If he dies, he dies." (A line nicked off Anna Nicole Smith's old man, J Howard Marshall, but we forgive her.) But it is the erstwhile Dynasty star's lament for the dearth of modern glamour that has made the headlines this week, with various newspapers taking ludicrous offence at her suggestion that she "can't think of any really beautiful actresses" other than Angelina Jolie, pointing out that Jennifer Aniston is "cute" but could hardly hold her own with the likes of Lana Turner or Ava Gardner. "Wrong," honked the Daily Mirror, who proceeded to suggest that Katherine Heigl was a dead ringer for Ingrid Bergman. Oh, Daily Mirror! No, no, no . . . Really, no. Anyway, all that remains is for Joan, 77, to once more refute those tired rumours of plastic surgery, when as she has repeatedly explained, she does it all with Vaseline and makeup. "I'm not into Botox or 'lifting'," she declares. "Believe me – I've seen such sights, it's put me off totally." What can you say? Other than: Joanie, promise never to be a stranger.
Cheryl Cole sings – but not in her own words. Photograph: Daniel Gilfeather/Rex Features This week's most overspun showbiz story is Cheryl Cole's "revenge" on Ashley, in which we are encouraged to believe that a track on The X Factor judge's new album is a vicious attack on her former husband – even though it was written by someone else entirely. "Cheryl didn't write the song herself," the Sun explains breathlessly, "but she approved the lyrics." Don't you love that "approved the lyrics"? Clearly, the styling signifies a progression from the "Because we're worth it" catchphrase Cheryl has already made her own – in fact, it smacks of nothing so much as a US political campaign ad. This column simply will not be happy until every one of madam's public utterances – from individual X Factor judgments to unchallenging R&B videos – ends with her facing the camera and dimpling: "Ahm Cheryl Kerl, and ah approve this messudge."
Cheryl Cole sings – but not in her own words. Photograph: Daniel Gilfeather/Rex Features This week's most overspun showbiz story is Cheryl Cole's "revenge" on Ashley, in which we are encouraged to believe that a track on The X Factor judge's new album is a vicious attack on her former husband – even though it was written by someone else entirely. "Cheryl didn't write the song herself," the Sun explains breathlessly, "but she approved the lyrics." Don't you love that "approved the lyrics"? Clearly, the styling signifies a progression from the "Because we're worth it" catchphrase Cheryl has already made her own – in fact, it smacks of nothing so much as a US political campaign ad. This column simply will not be happy until every one of madam's public utterances – from individual X Factor judgments to unchallenging R&B videos – ends with her facing the camera and dimpling: "Ahm Cheryl Kerl, and ah approve this messudge."
You're the top! / You're the Coliseum / You're the top! / You're the Louver museum / You're a melody from a symphony by Strauss / You're a Bendel bonnet / A Shakespeare's sonnet / You're Mickey Mouse / You're the Nile / You're the Tower of Pisa / You're the smile on the Mona Lisa… Those, pop pickers, were the musical stylings of Mr Cole Porter, which last week showed once again how desperately they have dated as Forbes named Michelle Obama the most powerful woman in the world. Naturally, the Forbes rankings were far from the only power list gifted to a grateful planet – Entertainment Weekly slung one out, in which Johnny Depp was voted the most powerful entertainer (sorry, Oprah), plus there was an art power list, and a Bald 100 for the follically challenged, while football commentators were able to gibber that Montenegro is ranked 40th in the world, below even Burkina Faso. Clearly, it would take all of Porter's genius to rhyme the likes of "You're the unpopular president's missus", "You're the slaphead from the Federal Reserve" and "You're Spain until the 58th minute". But much more importantly – in fact, call it seven arbitrary rankings more importantly – it would be an utter waste of his time, because the one thing we know about the modern pestilence of the "power" list is that the strain will have mutated by next week, when poor old Cole would be obliged to apply scansion to Lee Westwood, or musically digest the fact that Lady Gaga has been deemed more influential than China. May I hasten to say right from the start that this is the type of column always ghettoised with the tag "a very personal view", as this newspaper is of course no stranger to the power list format. I did enjoy the recent movie one, in which Johnny Depp was deemed to have more influence over film viewing in the UK than the bosses of Warner Bros, Disney, Fox, Universal and Paramount. I must also foreground the fact that the silliness of such lists is a theme to which I have warmed previously in this space – so, given the sheer volume of power lists that have appeared since its last outing, do consider it one of the top 10 most profoundly uninfluential themes abroad in the world of newspaper comment today, placing above even Melanie Phillips's Londonistan thesis, and stuff the ladies at the Telegraph did last weekend. Obtaining definitive figures on the allure of these endless lists is three spots above my pay grade, yet the heartbreaking assumption must be that they are an excellent way of driving traffic and selling papers or magazines. But at what cost? There must come some notional point at which publishing animal porn is marginally less intellectually compromising, and though I'm loath to make a definitive call on where that point lies, I'd guess it's about the moment you start deciding that model-turned-telly presenter Heidi Klum is the 39th most influential woman on the entire planet. Naturally, one can sympathise with the doomed desire to impose order on the formless tide of human experience. But in any civilised world, the only people who could thrill to such lists would be the 100 or so who make the cut – a journalist once sent to interview John Madejski clocked that a copy of the Sunday Times Rich List had been placed conveniently on a table nearby the charmless Reading Football Club owner, presumably to draw attention to his entry. (Note: this list is known as the Rich List simply because People With Lots of Money Who Journalists Have Heard Of is less catchy, even though its compilers are still obliged to come up with ways that enable them to print a picture of Cheryl Cole, which is why we get subcategories like Successful Singing TV Presenters Under the Age of 28). Still, as indicated, such confected "publishing events" really must draw the readers, meaning that they do provide a definitive perspective of a sort. To wit: in terms of shifting copies or garnering hits, anything I could possibly write, ever, will rank an innumerable amount of spots below the notion that Heidi Klum is the 39th most influential woman in the world. That is not, as Spinal Tap's David St Hubbins once remarked, "too much fucking perspective". It is a most seemly amount of perspective for the majority of us members of the so-called fourth estate – anyone not engaged in war reporting or campaigning for justice, basically – who should be powerfully aware that the most important thing we will ever do in our careers will be infinitely less important than the least important thing happening anywhere else in the world at the same time. Indeed, even among all the almost dizzyingly unimportant things one can ever do as a journalist, being involved in the construction of a power list is not merely up there – or rather down there – with the best of them. It is the absolute, undefeatable zenith of pointlessness – the Rupert Murdoch of inanity, the Bill Gates of meaninglessness, the Rafael Nadal of inconsequentiality, the Warren Buffett of triviality. I can only urge the serial listocrats to accept the honour – this is really no time for delusions of self-respect.
You're the top! / You're the Coliseum / You're the top! / You're the Louver museum / You're a melody from a symphony by Strauss / You're a Bendel bonnet / A Shakespeare's sonnet / You're Mickey Mouse / You're the Nile / You're the Tower of Pisa / You're the smile on the Mona Lisa… Those, pop pickers, were the musical stylings of Mr Cole Porter, which last week showed once again how desperately they have dated as Forbes named Michelle Obama the most powerful woman in the world. Naturally, the Forbes rankings were far from the only power list gifted to a grateful planet – Entertainment Weekly slung one out, in which Johnny Depp was voted the most powerful entertainer (sorry, Oprah), plus there was an art power list, and a Bald 100 for the follically challenged, while football commentators were able to gibber that Montenegro is ranked 40th in the world, below even Burkina Faso. Clearly, it would take all of Porter's genius to rhyme the likes of "You're the unpopular president's missus", "You're the slaphead from the Federal Reserve" and "You're Spain until the 58th minute". But much more importantly – in fact, call it seven arbitrary rankings more importantly – it would be an utter waste of his time, because the one thing we know about the modern pestilence of the "power" list is that the strain will have mutated by next week, when poor old Cole would be obliged to apply scansion to Lee Westwood, or musically digest the fact that Lady Gaga has been deemed more influential than China. May I hasten to say right from the start that this is the type of column always ghettoised with the tag "a very personal view", as this newspaper is of course no stranger to the power list format. I did enjoy the recent movie one, in which Johnny Depp was deemed to have more influence over film viewing in the UK than the bosses of Warner Bros, Disney, Fox, Universal and Paramount. I must also foreground the fact that the silliness of such lists is a theme to which I have warmed previously in this space – so, given the sheer volume of power lists that have appeared since its last outing, do consider it one of the top 10 most profoundly uninfluential themes abroad in the world of newspaper comment today, placing above even Melanie Phillips's Londonistan thesis, and stuff the ladies at the Telegraph did last weekend. Obtaining definitive figures on the allure of these endless lists is three spots above my pay grade, yet the heartbreaking assumption must be that they are an excellent way of driving traffic and selling papers or magazines. But at what cost? There must come some notional point at which publishing animal porn is marginally less intellectually compromising, and though I'm loath to make a definitive call on where that point lies, I'd guess it's about the moment you start deciding that model-turned-telly presenter Heidi Klum is the 39th most influential woman on the entire planet. Naturally, one can sympathise with the doomed desire to impose order on the formless tide of human experience. But in any civilised world, the only people who could thrill to such lists would be the 100 or so who make the cut – a journalist once sent to interview John Madejski clocked that a copy of the Sunday Times Rich List had been placed conveniently on a table nearby the charmless Reading Football Club owner, presumably to draw attention to his entry. (Note: this list is known as the Rich List simply because People With Lots of Money Who Journalists Have Heard Of is less catchy, even though its compilers are still obliged to come up with ways that enable them to print a picture of Cheryl Cole, which is why we get subcategories like Successful Singing TV Presenters Under the Age of 28). Still, as indicated, such confected "publishing events" really must draw the readers, meaning that they do provide a definitive perspective of a sort. To wit: in terms of shifting copies or garnering hits, anything I could possibly write, ever, will rank an innumerable amount of spots below the notion that Heidi Klum is the 39th most influential woman in the world. That is not, as Spinal Tap's David St Hubbins once remarked, "too much fucking perspective". It is a most seemly amount of perspective for the majority of us members of the so-called fourth estate – anyone not engaged in war reporting or campaigning for justice, basically – who should be powerfully aware that the most important thing we will ever do in our careers will be infinitely less important than the least important thing happening anywhere else in the world at the same time. Indeed, even among all the almost dizzyingly unimportant things one can ever do as a journalist, being involved in the construction of a power list is not merely up there – or rather down there – with the best of them. It is the absolute, undefeatable zenith of pointlessness – the Rupert Murdoch of inanity, the Bill Gates of meaninglessness, the Rafael Nadal of inconsequentiality, the Warren Buffett of triviality. I can only urge the serial listocrats to accept the honour – this is really no time for delusions of self-respect.
It isn't the most credible way to flog your album, but with seven million viewers a month and no annoying interviewer asking probing questions about your private life, it could prove a canny choice. On Monday, Charlotte Church performed live on the cable shopping channel QVC (which in 2009 posted sales of £367.9m) to sell her new album, at a bargain £9.99. In June, Cat Deeley went on the original US channel to sell her range of jewellery. But these are what have done really well. Currently the channel's top UK sellers are: Acer laptop Its current highest earner – priced at around £450 – has racked up £1.7m in sales. Emu boots Similar to the more famous Uggs, more than £1.5m worth of these sheepskin boots have been snapped up. Liz Earle skincare QVC has sold more than £1m worth of one particular item from the Liz Earle beauty and skincare range. Fuji camera The highest-earning gadget for the company, racking up sales of £800,000.
If you're a novice on the slopes, you could learn to ski for free. Photograph: Getty Images
Culture and entertainment
Watch the blockbusters first If you are prepared to jump through a few hoops, you can see most new movies before they are even released – legally, and without paying. Simply sign up for preview tickets with a website such as seefilmfirst.com or tellten.co.uk. When a screening that suits your tastes and location becomes available, they email you with a code. The first people to enter it online get the tickets. It can be quite competitive, so act fast. And keep an eye out for new codes on forums such as moneysavingexpert.com and hotukdeals.com. Very satisfying when it works. LB Get your brain working It is easy to see why the public lecture is becoming popular once again. This week, for instance, without paying a penny, you could see BBC Dragon James Caan talking about entrepreneurship at the London School of Economics, and next week there's a discussion on the future of transport at Blackwell's bookshop in Manchester, or a speech on the aesthetics of litter at Leeds University. Check lecturelist.org, the Guardian Guide, the listings in the back of Prospect magazine or the Saturday Review. LB Sneak a peek at a theatre rehearsal If you enjoy new writing, then it does not come any newer than the "rehearsed reading". This type of performance allows a play to be shown to audiences cheaply and quickly, helping all those involved to hone the production before it reaches the stage. For around £5, you can watch a play as it takes shape, and often even contribute to discussions. To find one, contact your nearest new writing theatre, such as the Royal Court in London or the Tron in Glasgow. LB Mug up on your art Many galleries offer free tours and workshops. In the coming days, kids visiting Manchester Art Gallery can make themselves into human machines while adults can listen to a panel discussion on the subject Design = Art? at Birmingham's Ikon Gallery, or visit the British Museum for a lunchtime talk on the art of the kingdom of Gandhara. LB Stirling Castle is offering free entry on St Andrew's Day weekend. Photograph: Getty Swap your old books The problem with your personal library is that it contains precisely those books that you do not want to read, because you've read them already – or given up. So why not exchange them for someone else's? Visit a site such as readitswapit.co.uk, bookmooch.com or bookins.com, list your books, send them off, and then search for others to exchange your credit for. All you pay is the postage. The principle works just as well without the internet, of course, at organised events such as the Firestation Book Swap (£5 entry), which is based in Windsor and also tours the country. LB Join a choir As Gareth Malone unceasingly demonstrates on television, singing in a choir can be tremendous fun. Large amateur groups are the perfect place for an inexperienced singer to start building confidence. For many, the most obvious option is their local church choir. If that's not to your taste, there may well also be a choral society or community choir nearby. Scan the links on choralsociety.org.uk, or check your local paper. LB Watch a radio or TV recording It shouldn't really be possible to see some of some of Britain's most popular performers live, in small venues, for no money. But by visiting bbc.co.uk/showsandtours/tickets or tvrecordings.com you can do it pretty much every week. Currently available are seats in the audience for Harry Hill's TV Burp, Celebrity Mastermind and The Hairy Bikers' Cook-Off. Be advised: the best shows are often in London. LB Meet a celeb You don't have to pay anything to stand around and watch how awkward interactions play out, and if you are prepared to fork out for a book, you earn the right to share a moment with the celebrity in question. Be sure you get your money's worth by asking them the question no one else dares to. Today alone Simon Pegg is at WH Smith in Manchester's Trafford Centre at lunchtime, Gok Wan at Waterstone's in Liverpool from 5pm, and Manolo Blahnik at Liberty in London at 6-8pm. SP Brush up on the midterms Join Tariq Ali in a discussion about the US midterm elections, The Obama Syndrome, at the Free Word Centre, London, next Monday. Email info@freewordonline.com. SP
Travel
Become a courier Pickings are slim, but British Airways still offers big discounts on flights for people willing to work as couriers. There is only one route at the moment – to Tokyo – and the discounted price is around £300 for a return ticket (although you only take the package one way). Flights until the end of the year are booked up, but next year could be a good time to find out more (0870 320 0301). HK Take a train through Ireland A four-day Golden Trekker pass for all trains in Northern Ireland and the Republic of Ireland is completely free – as long as you're over 66. And if you want to take in the country at a more leisurely place, simply apply for more than one pass. HK Sleep in someone else's bed House-sitting may not pay well but it does offer the chance of a break in someone else's life (and sometimes swimming pool). Adele Barclay from Homesitters says: "There are a variety of homes, from flats in central London to remote country properties." In return for free accommodation, and a tax-free food allowance, you have to feed any pets, look after the pot plants and not leave the property for more than three consecutive hours in the day or an hour at night. If you fancy more freedom and far-flung locations you could try a home swap – where you exchange your home with holidaymakers in your destination of choice. Or if you don't mind staying on a sofa, there is always couchsurfing, which not only offers a free place to sleep, but a way to meet locals around the world (couchsurfing.org). HK Go back to university Cheap rooms in college halls are a great way to keep holiday costs down. The accommodation may be basic but the chance to wander through the corridors of historic halls and explore ancient colleges should make up for the wiry carpets and single beds. Bath, Oxford, Cambridge and London all offer beds in beautiful buildings. Book a room at universityrooms.co.uk. HK Enjoy splendid isolation at a remote bothy. Photograph: Ashley Cooper/Alamy Get away from it all – and we mean all – at a bothy These are simple shelters in remote parts of the UK that are free to stay in, but definitely without home comforts – by which we mean a water supply or a toilet. Think of it like indoor camping, but what is lost in luxury can be gained in breathtaking scenery and splendid isolation (mountainbothies.org.uk). HK Learn to ski OK, not completely free – you need to book your flights and accommodation through one of six approved operators – but for a lot less than usual. The Association of Snow Sports Countries is offering novices free skiing tuition, lift passes and equipment hire as part of its Freshers Ski Weeks for seven days from 22 January or 19 March. Choose from 25 resorts. HK Free castles, cathedrals and palaces On St Andrew's Day weekend (27 and 28 November) a huge number of historic sites – including Edinburgh Castle, Iona Abbey and Stirling Castle – will open their doors for free. For more information, see www.historic-scotland.gov.uk. HK
Food and drink
Review a new restaurant Mystery shopping is a great way to eat for free if you don't mind where you end up. This is how restaurant and cafe owners (as well as supermarkets, theme parks and everywhere else) do their own quality check before the critics find them. If you sign up to mystery-shoppers.co.uk you will receive an assignment and could find yourself reviewing a fine dining restaurant with up to £75 to spend – or a local cafe with a fiver. But beware of scams where agencies try to charge you to sign up with them. HK Make a gourmet dish from weeds It's a bumper year for hedgerows, according to forager Robin Harford, and now is the perfect time to start picking your own meals. "The drier fruits are really lush this year. Try picking rosehips and making a syrup or a cordial – rosehips have 20 times as much vitamin C as oranges and taste absolutely fantastic. Dandelions are also good at this time of year – after they have flowered and seeded. Pick ones that have grown in the shade, saute the leaves and serve them with bacon." For more recipes and wild food, go to eatweeds.co.uk. HK Go down the pub With 50 pubs shutting every week, it is practically your civic duty to go to your local and be cheered up. Lots still offer free sandwiches if you take part in the pub quiz (a few even throw in chips). Try The Porter Brook pub in Sheffield or The Stamford Arms in Bowdon, Cheshire. HK Sniff out a free wine tasting at Majestic Wine. Photograph: Getty Images Volunteer as a Victorian and get a free lunch Not only will you achieve a saintly glow by helping others, but working as a volunteer can get you free dinners. At Blists Hill Victorian town in Shropshire, an open-air museum, history buffs can dress up in specially made costumes, earn a lunch voucher to spend at the fish-and-chip shop and get free entry to all of the 10 Ironbridge Gorge museums along with a guest. Teachers can even take on the role of Victorian schoolma'am to tick off kids the old-fashioned way. Contact the volunteering department on 01952 601044. HK Become a wine connoisseur Osborne and Cameron can presumably rely on the reserves of their family wine cellars when the going gets tough; for the rest of us there is Majestic Wine. Its shops not only offer free tasting, but also a free two-hour introduction to wine session for their customers. So even if you can't quite afford to turn your nose up at cheap booze any more, at least you'll know when you ought to. HK
Fashion, beauty and shopping
Get a free haircut Trainee hairdressers need to practise on someone, and that someone could be you. Toni & Guy has academies in London and Manchester where eager apprentices will chop your locks for just £5, or tint it for £20. Even better is the Headmasters senior academy in London where qualified hairdressers will do it for free. The only drawback is you won't be able to choose what you look like. NJ Kit out your makeup bag Department-store beauty halls are a great source of free samples. The key is to have a cover story. Try: "I've heard wonderful things about this new moisturiser, but I've got terribly sensitive skin. Is there a sample I could try at home first?" Before you know it, eye creams and lip rejuvenators will be pressed into your hands too, in the hope you might later invest in the entire set. Ensure the counters you target are not in sight of one another, otherwise the jig will be up. NJ Attach a bulldog clip to your jacket - a la Richard Nicoll. Photograph: Ian Gavan/Getty Get hip fast Fasten your jacket with bulldog clips, as seen at Richard Nicoll's catwalk show. Or swing a pair of binoculars around your neck, for the Hussein Chalayan touch. SC Refresh your wardrobe Exchanging unloved items for someone else's rejects got trendy just as the recession was hitting hard. The concept is still going strong, with swap-shop soirees among friends and strangers now 10 a penny. One of the originals is Swap-A-Rama Razzmatazz, which raucously demands that you make a trade each time a klaxon sounds, is holding a Halloween event in London on 30 October. You can also swap online at sites such as bigwardrobe.com, swishing.org and posh-swaps.com. SP Spruce up your home This needn't always be expensive: a designer fake is just as good as the real thing, and more satisfying. B&Q's outsize Tecton floorlamp will add a dash to your living room for £79, compared with £2,200 for the real-deal Giant Anglepoise from Heal's. Alternatively, cosy up in a classic Eames lounge chair by bagging yourself a bargain for £369 from milandirect.co.uk, compared with the authentic design at £3,805 from Aram. If this is too hard on your wallet, get creative with what you've got. Move your sofa to a new spot. Stack your books in a tall, elegant column for a loft-style look. Frame some favourite photographs. And raid the garden for fresh flowers. HB
Health and fitness
Try a free workout Most gyms happily hand out free passes to lure you into signing up, but there is no obligation to do so. In fact, there are enough different chains now that you can get in pretty good shape by doing the rounds of all the trials available. Simply call in and feign interest, and treadmill and steam room access is yours. Nuffield Health and Esporta will give you a day's access, LA Fitness three and Fitness First five. SP Take a dog for a walk Everyone knows that owning a pet, particularly a dog, can make people happier and healthier. But it can be expensive, tricky and hard work. Which is where the Cinnamon Trust comes in. The charity matches elderly, ill or housebound pet owners with volunteers who offer to walk their dog, or look after it while its owner is in hospital. The owner gets to keep their pet, you get to spend time with a dog without full-time responsibility, and the pooch gets a walk. Everyone is happy. ES
It isn't the most credible way to flog your album, but with seven million viewers a month and no annoying interviewer asking probing questions about your private life, it could prove a canny choice. On Monday, Charlotte Church performed live on the cable shopping channel QVC (which in 2009 posted sales of £367.9m) to sell her new album, at a bargain £9.99. In June, Cat Deeley went on the original US channel to sell her range of jewellery. But these are what have done really well. Currently the channel's top UK sellers are: Acer laptop Its current highest earner – priced at around £450 – has racked up £1.7m in sales. Emu boots Similar to the more famous Uggs, more than £1.5m worth of these sheepskin boots have been snapped up. Liz Earle skincare QVC has sold more than £1m worth of one particular item from the Liz Earle beauty and skincare range. Fuji camera The highest-earning gadget for the company, racking up sales of £800,000.
If you're a novice on the slopes, you could learn to ski for free. Photograph: Getty Images
Culture and entertainment
Watch the blockbusters first If you are prepared to jump through a few hoops, you can see most new movies before they are even released – legally, and without paying. Simply sign up for preview tickets with a website such as seefilmfirst.com or tellten.co.uk. When a screening that suits your tastes and location becomes available, they email you with a code. The first people to enter it online get the tickets. It can be quite competitive, so act fast. And keep an eye out for new codes on forums such as moneysavingexpert.com and hotukdeals.com. Very satisfying when it works. LB Get your brain working It is easy to see why the public lecture is becoming popular once again. This week, for instance, without paying a penny, you could see BBC Dragon James Caan talking about entrepreneurship at the London School of Economics, and next week there's a discussion on the future of transport at Blackwell's bookshop in Manchester, or a speech on the aesthetics of litter at Leeds University. Check lecturelist.org, the Guardian Guide, the listings in the back of Prospect magazine or the Saturday Review. LB Sneak a peek at a theatre rehearsal If you enjoy new writing, then it does not come any newer than the "rehearsed reading". This type of performance allows a play to be shown to audiences cheaply and quickly, helping all those involved to hone the production before it reaches the stage. For around £5, you can watch a play as it takes shape, and often even contribute to discussions. To find one, contact your nearest new writing theatre, such as the Royal Court in London or the Tron in Glasgow. LB Mug up on your art Many galleries offer free tours and workshops. In the coming days, kids visiting Manchester Art Gallery can make themselves into human machines while adults can listen to a panel discussion on the subject Design = Art? at Birmingham's Ikon Gallery, or visit the British Museum for a lunchtime talk on the art of the kingdom of Gandhara. LB Stirling Castle is offering free entry on St Andrew's Day weekend. Photograph: Getty Swap your old books The problem with your personal library is that it contains precisely those books that you do not want to read, because you've read them already – or given up. So why not exchange them for someone else's? Visit a site such as readitswapit.co.uk, bookmooch.com or bookins.com, list your books, send them off, and then search for others to exchange your credit for. All you pay is the postage. The principle works just as well without the internet, of course, at organised events such as the Firestation Book Swap (£5 entry), which is based in Windsor and also tours the country. LB Join a choir As Gareth Malone unceasingly demonstrates on television, singing in a choir can be tremendous fun. Large amateur groups are the perfect place for an inexperienced singer to start building confidence. For many, the most obvious option is their local church choir. If that's not to your taste, there may well also be a choral society or community choir nearby. Scan the links on choralsociety.org.uk, or check your local paper. LB Watch a radio or TV recording It shouldn't really be possible to see some of some of Britain's most popular performers live, in small venues, for no money. But by visiting bbc.co.uk/showsandtours/tickets or tvrecordings.com you can do it pretty much every week. Currently available are seats in the audience for Harry Hill's TV Burp, Celebrity Mastermind and The Hairy Bikers' Cook-Off. Be advised: the best shows are often in London. LB Meet a celeb You don't have to pay anything to stand around and watch how awkward interactions play out, and if you are prepared to fork out for a book, you earn the right to share a moment with the celebrity in question. Be sure you get your money's worth by asking them the question no one else dares to. Today alone Simon Pegg is at WH Smith in Manchester's Trafford Centre at lunchtime, Gok Wan at Waterstone's in Liverpool from 5pm, and Manolo Blahnik at Liberty in London at 6-8pm. SP Brush up on the midterms Join Tariq Ali in a discussion about the US midterm elections, The Obama Syndrome, at the Free Word Centre, London, next Monday. Email info@freewordonline.com. SP
Travel
Become a courier Pickings are slim, but British Airways still offers big discounts on flights for people willing to work as couriers. There is only one route at the moment – to Tokyo – and the discounted price is around £300 for a return ticket (although you only take the package one way). Flights until the end of the year are booked up, but next year could be a good time to find out more (0870 320 0301). HK Take a train through Ireland A four-day Golden Trekker pass for all trains in Northern Ireland and the Republic of Ireland is completely free – as long as you're over 66. And if you want to take in the country at a more leisurely place, simply apply for more than one pass. HK Sleep in someone else's bed House-sitting may not pay well but it does offer the chance of a break in someone else's life (and sometimes swimming pool). Adele Barclay from Homesitters says: "There are a variety of homes, from flats in central London to remote country properties." In return for free accommodation, and a tax-free food allowance, you have to feed any pets, look after the pot plants and not leave the property for more than three consecutive hours in the day or an hour at night. If you fancy more freedom and far-flung locations you could try a home swap – where you exchange your home with holidaymakers in your destination of choice. Or if you don't mind staying on a sofa, there is always couchsurfing, which not only offers a free place to sleep, but a way to meet locals around the world (couchsurfing.org). HK Go back to university Cheap rooms in college halls are a great way to keep holiday costs down. The accommodation may be basic but the chance to wander through the corridors of historic halls and explore ancient colleges should make up for the wiry carpets and single beds. Bath, Oxford, Cambridge and London all offer beds in beautiful buildings. Book a room at universityrooms.co.uk. HK Enjoy splendid isolation at a remote bothy. Photograph: Ashley Cooper/Alamy Get away from it all – and we mean all – at a bothy These are simple shelters in remote parts of the UK that are free to stay in, but definitely without home comforts – by which we mean a water supply or a toilet. Think of it like indoor camping, but what is lost in luxury can be gained in breathtaking scenery and splendid isolation (mountainbothies.org.uk). HK Learn to ski OK, not completely free – you need to book your flights and accommodation through one of six approved operators – but for a lot less than usual. The Association of Snow Sports Countries is offering novices free skiing tuition, lift passes and equipment hire as part of its Freshers Ski Weeks for seven days from 22 January or 19 March. Choose from 25 resorts. HK Free castles, cathedrals and palaces On St Andrew's Day weekend (27 and 28 November) a huge number of historic sites – including Edinburgh Castle, Iona Abbey and Stirling Castle – will open their doors for free. For more information, see www.historic-scotland.gov.uk. HK
Food and drink
Review a new restaurant Mystery shopping is a great way to eat for free if you don't mind where you end up. This is how restaurant and cafe owners (as well as supermarkets, theme parks and everywhere else) do their own quality check before the critics find them. If you sign up to mystery-shoppers.co.uk you will receive an assignment and could find yourself reviewing a fine dining restaurant with up to £75 to spend – or a local cafe with a fiver. But beware of scams where agencies try to charge you to sign up with them. HK Make a gourmet dish from weeds It's a bumper year for hedgerows, according to forager Robin Harford, and now is the perfect time to start picking your own meals. "The drier fruits are really lush this year. Try picking rosehips and making a syrup or a cordial – rosehips have 20 times as much vitamin C as oranges and taste absolutely fantastic. Dandelions are also good at this time of year – after they have flowered and seeded. Pick ones that have grown in the shade, saute the leaves and serve them with bacon." For more recipes and wild food, go to eatweeds.co.uk. HK Go down the pub With 50 pubs shutting every week, it is practically your civic duty to go to your local and be cheered up. Lots still offer free sandwiches if you take part in the pub quiz (a few even throw in chips). Try The Porter Brook pub in Sheffield or The Stamford Arms in Bowdon, Cheshire. HK Sniff out a free wine tasting at Majestic Wine. Photograph: Getty Images Volunteer as a Victorian and get a free lunch Not only will you achieve a saintly glow by helping others, but working as a volunteer can get you free dinners. At Blists Hill Victorian town in Shropshire, an open-air museum, history buffs can dress up in specially made costumes, earn a lunch voucher to spend at the fish-and-chip shop and get free entry to all of the 10 Ironbridge Gorge museums along with a guest. Teachers can even take on the role of Victorian schoolma'am to tick off kids the old-fashioned way. Contact the volunteering department on 01952 601044. HK Become a wine connoisseur Osborne and Cameron can presumably rely on the reserves of their family wine cellars when the going gets tough; for the rest of us there is Majestic Wine. Its shops not only offer free tasting, but also a free two-hour introduction to wine session for their customers. So even if you can't quite afford to turn your nose up at cheap booze any more, at least you'll know when you ought to. HK
Fashion, beauty and shopping
Get a free haircut Trainee hairdressers need to practise on someone, and that someone could be you. Toni & Guy has academies in London and Manchester where eager apprentices will chop your locks for just £5, or tint it for £20. Even better is the Headmasters senior academy in London where qualified hairdressers will do it for free. The only drawback is you won't be able to choose what you look like. NJ Kit out your makeup bag Department-store beauty halls are a great source of free samples. The key is to have a cover story. Try: "I've heard wonderful things about this new moisturiser, but I've got terribly sensitive skin. Is there a sample I could try at home first?" Before you know it, eye creams and lip rejuvenators will be pressed into your hands too, in the hope you might later invest in the entire set. Ensure the counters you target are not in sight of one another, otherwise the jig will be up. NJ Attach a bulldog clip to your jacket - a la Richard Nicoll. Photograph: Ian Gavan/Getty Get hip fast Fasten your jacket with bulldog clips, as seen at Richard Nicoll's catwalk show. Or swing a pair of binoculars around your neck, for the Hussein Chalayan touch. SC Refresh your wardrobe Exchanging unloved items for someone else's rejects got trendy just as the recession was hitting hard. The concept is still going strong, with swap-shop soirees among friends and strangers now 10 a penny. One of the originals is Swap-A-Rama Razzmatazz, which raucously demands that you make a trade each time a klaxon sounds, is holding a Halloween event in London on 30 October. You can also swap online at sites such as bigwardrobe.com, swishing.org and posh-swaps.com. SP Spruce up your home This needn't always be expensive: a designer fake is just as good as the real thing, and more satisfying. B&Q's outsize Tecton floorlamp will add a dash to your living room for £79, compared with £2,200 for the real-deal Giant Anglepoise from Heal's. Alternatively, cosy up in a classic Eames lounge chair by bagging yourself a bargain for £369 from milandirect.co.uk, compared with the authentic design at £3,805 from Aram. If this is too hard on your wallet, get creative with what you've got. Move your sofa to a new spot. Stack your books in a tall, elegant column for a loft-style look. Frame some favourite photographs. And raid the garden for fresh flowers. HB
Health and fitness
Try a free workout Most gyms happily hand out free passes to lure you into signing up, but there is no obligation to do so. In fact, there are enough different chains now that you can get in pretty good shape by doing the rounds of all the trials available. Simply call in and feign interest, and treadmill and steam room access is yours. Nuffield Health and Esporta will give you a day's access, LA Fitness three and Fitness First five. SP Take a dog for a walk Everyone knows that owning a pet, particularly a dog, can make people happier and healthier. But it can be expensive, tricky and hard work. Which is where the Cinnamon Trust comes in. The charity matches elderly, ill or housebound pet owners with volunteers who offer to walk their dog, or look after it while its owner is in hospital. The owner gets to keep their pet, you get to spend time with a dog without full-time responsibility, and the pooch gets a walk. Everyone is happy. ES
